Bitter and Blue
by Paperclip-Assassin
Summary: 'She moved in his arms to look at him closely, already realizing how bad his state of depression truly was. He himself had become accustomed to it, taking the meds the psychiatrist he never visited had prescribed. Given, mixing them with alcohol was probably not the best idea, but what did he care. "You need help, Tony."' TxZ. One-shot.


**Wow, it's been quite a while since I've posted something NCIS related. I had to go obsess over Sweeney Todd for a while, just because I seem to like getting into fandoms that are dying just so I can be sad.**

**Talking about being sad: I am devastated after reading that Cote decided to leave the cast. I mean _what the hell?!_ NCIS without Ziva... that's like... my life without NCIS! No Tiva? No Israeli Mossad Assassin?  
The NCIS family won't ever be the same again and that, my friends, makes me actually want to weep while listening to the most depressing songs _Coldplay_ has to offer. **

**Anyway, there's nothing I can do about it now- If you wanna complain or feel as sad as I do PM me and we can be sad together. A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved after all, no?**

**Okay. Enough of this and on with the story.**

**Disclaimer**: _After two years of excessive fangirling my pleas have still not been taken notice of, apparently - I am still not in the posession of NCIS, JAG or its characters. I am merely borrowing them to feed my addiction.  
Neither do I own Johnny Depp (though how awesome would that be?!) or the rights to any movie mentioned._

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"Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad."

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

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**Bitter and Blue**

After everything that he'd been through he'd thought that a break would be good for him, that some time for him to finally relax was what he needed. Well, bullshit. Unemployment sucked.  
With a deep sigh former NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo dropped down on his bed and focused his gaze on the ceiling above his head. He was bored out of his mind and didn't know what to do about it since his resignation from the agency together with his coworkers. A week later he had talked with Baltimore P.D. and asked if they were by any chance interested in taking him back after more than a decade. Of course he hadn't thought that they'd greet him with open arms, but he'd also never thought they'd turn him straight down without a minute's consideration. It seemed like he was getting too old for that job. Literally.

"Jesus Christ…" he mumbled and dared himself to get back up. Lying in bed at noon on a goddamn Tuesday certainly didn't help his current situation. His former colleagues had it better. Young, smart McGee had gotten various job offers within days after leaving NCIS and it wasn't like he wasn't happy for his geeky friend… he merely disliked the fact that life was so much easier when you could still get up every morning without the fear of chronic back pain.  
With tired steps he dragged himself into the bathroom, already knowing who he'd find staring back at him from the mirror; a tired guy, past his mid-forties, without a job and heavy bags under his eyes. This daily dwelling in misery and self-pity had become a routine of his, though he wasn't exactly proud of that.

When his phone rang he, at first, had no intention of picking it up, not in the mood for any communication whatsoever, but when his ring tone simply got unbearably annoying he answered it without checking for a caller ID.

"DiNozzo," he stated indifferently, trying not to sound too hostile.

"_Hey. It's me_." She didn't have to say more, always able to make his day just by remembering to call every once in a while.

"Hey, Abby. What's up?"

The woman on the other end sighed and he could perfectly picture the eye-roll which most definitely accompanied the sigh.  
"_Not much, I guess. Y'know, dead body, tissue samples, waiting for results… I'm bored_."

"Is that the only reason you called?" he wasn't actually offended and she knew that, but played along.

"_Duh. Why else would I call?"_ Both laughed halfheartedly and the atmosphere changed when the talkative Goth went quiet. "_Tony… I miss you."_

It wasn't the first time she's told him that and would certainly not be the last, which was sad. He knew she wanted him to visit or at least attend the weekly meetings with Palmer, Ducky and McGee. And Ziva. Yes, he was avoiding his partner, though why exactly he couldn't say. Their last year on the team had been filled with so much honesty between them and still an equal amount of denial. For every step forward they took three steps back and he currently couldn't deal with it. His lack of communication hurt her, he knew that, but they just weren't on the same page and at the moment he doubted they ever would be.

"_Did you, like, die or something, DiNozzo?"_

Right. He was still on the phone with the forensic scientist.  
"Can I call back later?"

"_You won't, though."_ Her tone indicated more disappointment than hurt, for which he was glad. Disappointment was easier to deal with than hurt.

"Probably not," he admitted.

"_So, I know it's no use, but will you be joining us this weekend? Jimmy's got new pictures of the girls."_

Girls. Plural. So Palmer had adopted twins. Even the autopsy gremlin's life seemed to go better than his. Though, if he was honest with himself it had been that way for years. The young man had everything he himself had ever wanted, a job he enjoyed, a wife he loved and a bunch of kids to raise. He ran his free hand through his hair and shook his head. He'd never thought the day would come that he would ever be jealous of Jimmy Palmer.

"_Why, yes, Abby, that sounds really nice, I would love to come_," she failed miserably at sounding like him but the effort brought a small smile to his lips.

"I'm sorry, Abbs but-"

"_I know. You're busy_," there was a short silence, "_Listen, I gotta get back to work_."

"Alright."

"_We'll talk again soon, whether you like it or not_." It sounded like friendly threat that was to be taken seriously. "_Love ya_."

And he was again alone in his apartment. No matter what he did or how much he tried pushing her away, Abby always knew how to forcefully claw her way back into his life and tried to suffocate him with love. He appreciated her concern but this time it was different. As much as she would like them to, things would never go back to normal. He had accepted that, but the bubbly scientist was exceptionally good at being unrealistically optimistic.

In a way he envied her.

He walked over to the window and peeked through the blinds down at the street below. People where rushing around, hidden under colorful umbrellas or searching for a shelter from the non-stop rain. The weather had been like this for weeks and he felt like it was mocking him, rubbing in the fact that every single aspect of his life was terrible. With a quick glance at the clock he decided it was now late enough to watch a movie and get drunk. Ironically the blu-ray he blindly pulled out of his shelf was _The Rum Diary_.

Seemingly there was something like coincidence after all.

_**…**_

After the third bottle of Corona he heard the lock to his front door being picked but didn't care. The number of people who would do that was limited and he took the wild guess that he knew the intruder personally. He was right.

"You could've used your key," he said, eyes never leaving the TV screen. She didn't answer. From the corner of his eye he saw her shrugging out of her soaked jacket. In less than a minute he felt her gaze heavy on his face but still refused to look at her.  
It took another three and a half minutes – yes, he'd counted – until she spoke.

"You've been avoiding me."

A nod of his head.

"Why?"

A shrug. "Dunno."

She walked up to the TV and positioned herself in front of the screen, effectively blocking the view. He pushed pause on the remote control, now he had no choice but to look at her.  
Maybe it was the booze doing the thinking for him but she was even more gorgeous than he remembered her; long legs, stuck in a black skinny jean that truly deserved to be called that, slender arms, folded over her chest, pushing her perfect boobs up just the slightest bit, wet curls falling way past her shoulders and framing her pretty face. God, how he adored that woman. Her innocent deer eyes watched him intently for a long time as she waited for him to say something. When he didn't she sighed in defeat and stepped away.

"May I join you?"

"Sure."

She took a seat next to him, just far enough away to eliminate any chance of accidental bodily contact. He re-started the movie for her, not having paid attention earlier anyway, and turned his focus back to the half-empty beer bottle in his hand. At least that's what he was planning to do. Before he could lift it to his lips the beverage was snatched from his fingers. He stared at the woman next to him in disbelief. She hid her smirk behind the stolen drink, eyes on the TV. With a shake of his head he too went back to watching the movie and for a long time neither spoke a word.

"She's pretty," the Israeli-gone-American stated casually as the female lead role presented several dresses. He knew his (former) partner was trying to make light and easy conversation and for some reason he decided to play along.

"I thought you'd be more into the male protagonist, Ziva."

Her throaty chuckle filled the air and made his heart miss half a beat. "Oh, that is quite out of the question," she said, "Many women have a weak spot for Johnny Depp, no?"

"Yeah. What is it with chicks and that guy? Honestly, he's not that special. Some good movies, sure - _Blow, Ed Wood, Donnie Brasco_ – but otherwise he's a creep. I mean he's _weird_."

"Whatever you say, Tony. But I think he is very handsome."

He swallowed down the irrational jealousy building up inside him. "He's fifty, isn't that a bit old for you?" he asked, turning to see her reaction. What he wasn't prepared for was the sudden seriousness of her expression.

"Age is merely a number. And as I told you before… I do find older men attractive."

"Oh, I never knew you were referring to an actor when you said that," it came out sharper than he had intended for it to sound, but something about the look on her face annoyed him.

"Who said I was?" she shot back, "Maybe I was referring to _you_…"

A bitter laugh escaped his lips, making her forehead crease with confusion. "You were just teasing me, Ziva. It's what we do… what we've always done. We dance along the edge of a cliff, daring each other to leap down into the unknown. Too bad we seem to be afraid of heights."

"Very poetic," she commented and took a sip from his beer. They both went back to watching the movie, though without paying it much attention. When the actors had nothing better to do than sucking each other's faces off during a - in his eyes unnecessary - makeout session his patience was starting to grow ridiculously thin.

"Did you know that 'Depp' is the German word for _prick_?" he said grimly, making her laugh so hard, she was almost choking on the liquid she had just drunk. He stared at her incredulously.  
"What's so funny?"

She tried hard to get a hold on herself again, concentrating on evening out her breathing, before she turned a pair of shining eyes on him. "You are. I mean you are quite obviously jealous."

"I'm not jealous," he lied through his teeth, knowing she had long looked through his charade. They had been partners for eight years, if there was one soul on earth who knew him better than he knew himself it was her. She raised an eyebrow at him.  
"Fine. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm jealous that he has this gorgeous girlfriend who's like thirty years his junior and he has money… Hell, he even has his own _island_! And here I am. I got nothing of all this and I'm younger than him. So, yeah… I guess I'm jealous."

Suddenly her hand was on his shoulder and he involuntarily leaned into the touch, not able to resist her any longer. It was almost like a magnetic force of attraction that gradually pulled him closer to her and he was tired of resisting. With a gentle tuck he pulled her closer until her head was resting on his shoulder and he could snake his arm around her waist. She wasn't relaxed and he tried to ease the tension out of her muscles by tracing soft patterns along her body. It took a while until a heavy sigh escaped her lips and she finally melted into his embrace.

"I cannot tell you how much I've missed this," he whispered, afraid that she would run off if he confessed it any louder.

"Then why didn't you answer any of my phone calls?" Her fingers tentatively stroked over his chest, giving him goose bumps.

"I replied to your e-mails."

She snorted and half-heartedly slapped his shoulder before continuing to draw her little invisible patterns on his torso. "It's been five months."

That caught his attention. He hadn't realized that he had lost so much time and started wondering how on earth he had managed to pay his bills for so long. "What day is it?"

"Tuesday, October 22nd," she replied calmly.

"Fuck."

She moved in his arms to look at him closely, already realizing how bad his state of depression truly was. He himself had become accustomed to it, taking the meds the psychiatrist he never visited had prescribed. Given, mixing them with alcohol was probably not the best idea, but what did he care.

"You need help, Tony."

"I'm fine, believe me."

"You do not have the right to use that excuse on me."

He was close to either shoving her away or crushing her in a tight hug, torn by the decision of keeping her out or letting her back in. When she squeezed his shoulder he couldn't do it any longer. He _needed_ her. Desperately.

Without warning he closed the distance between them and kissed her with everything he had. She made a little noise of surprise but responded eagerly, climbing on his lap to get a better angle. His hands were roaming her body with greed. Finally, finally he could touch her the way he had longed to for so many years.  
He pulled away the slightest bit to give them both the chance to breathe when he felt too choked up by emotions he wasn't quite ready to address. She placed a couple of butterfly kisses on his neck before returning to her spot next to him, her cheeks flushed and her breathing even more ragged than his own. The movie had long ended and the happy tune of the main menu flooded the otherwise silent room.

"I'm sorry," he said, knowing that the kiss didn't necessarily make things easier between them.

She shook her head. "Don't be."

"You know, shortly before Kate joined the team we were investigating the death of a JAG lieutenant," he began out of the blue, "Prime suspect was Commander Rabb. He disliked us very much for the investigation."

"Why are you telling me this?" she sounded confused but also slightly intrigued.

"There was this… chemistry between him and his coworker, Lieutenant Colonel MacKenzie. Neither looked like they would admit it but they were both aware of it. They've worked together for eight years, almost starting a relationship but never actually doing it. Until he proposed to her in 2005. They've been happily married ever since. Even got a kid together."

"Tony… are you proposing to me?" she asked huskily, stunning him into silence. For a moment his mouth opened and closed again but no words would go past his lips. He hadn't meant to deceive her in that way, hadn't thought she would take this so seriously. Sure, the similarities between his relationship to Ziva and that of Harm and Mac were uncanny, that's why he had told the story, but _Jesus_ he would never act so impulsively.  
"Relax, it was a joke."

Immediately the tension left him and he laughed breathlessly but with relief. "What I was trying to say is… it's never too late. Not really." He almost had to laugh in view of his own thoughts mere hours earlier that absolutely contradicted this statement.

"I suppose you are right," she said, considering his words with a frown. He took her hand in his, squeezing it. "Are you… willing to overcome your fear of heights?" The use of his own metaphor made him smile.

"I am for you," he replied honestly. "But I might need some time to pull myself together. Stop drinking myself into oblivion, start seeing my psychiatrist again, get a damn job. All that stuff."

"You're seeing a psychiatrist?"

He shot her a look that told her loud and clear that he was not willing to discuss that with her right at that moment and was grateful when she seemed to accept that, though he knew that at one point she would bring it up again. And by that time he would probably be happy to talk.

"As for the job… We were going to tell you last week. If you had shown up. Which you didn't."

"Yes, I get it, bad DiNozzo. What were you gonna tell me?"

"There is a vacant position at Homeland Security's law enforcement branch. You might want to apply."

"I might just do that."

"But when Abby breaks the news to you, you have to promise me to act surprised. She's been dying to tell you for weeks and would be devastated if she heard I already told you. Not to mention how she would want to 'cut me up and then dissolve me in hydrochloric acid' and that is an exact quote."

He chuckled and pushed a fallen curl from her face, letting his fingers linger for a moment. "You would totally go ninja on her. She wouldn't stand a chance."

It was now her turn to laugh quietly. "Possibly. But I do not like to hurt friends. And you still have not given me your word."

He held out his hand to her, "I pinky swear."  
When she stared at his finger questioningly, he hooked it with hers and shook their intertwined hands once for clarification.

"And you will not find some petty excuse why you cannot make it." Her voice was stern and he knew that very bad things would happen if he didn't get his butt into that bar to have a good time.

"Hey, I pinky swore. That's a sacred oath, not to be broken. Now can I please kiss you again, Ziva David?"

Her expression softened and instead of answering she leaned in and carefully placed her lips on his in a kiss much softer and more meaningful than the previous lust-filled one. He was almost certain that he could spend all his time kissing that woman and still never grow tired of it.

"My lunch break was over more than an hour ago," she whispered in between kisses and he groaned in protest. Surely she wasn't going to leave just like that. To his grand disappointment she was not having an argument and simply got up after one final kiss.

"Will you be back?" He sounded like a little boy who didn't want his mother to leave, but he didn't care. He had almost forgotten how good it was to have company. Especially _her_ company.

"If you want me to," she said with a nod. "But not tonight."

He could absolutely live with that. "Tomorrow's fine. We could watch a movie."

She sent him an eye-roll over her shoulder while buttoning her coat. "_Or_ we could go out for a change. The weather forecast said the rain is finally going to stop."

"Fine."

"I'll call you when I finish work. Goodbye, Tony."

"Bye."

She walked out the door with a wave and he simply couldn't quite understand how his day had turned from absolutely horrific to incredibly wonderful within very little time. He understood that he still had a lot of explaining to do, especially to his friends but he knew Ziva would help him get through it.

This time he wouldn't push her away and take those three steps back.

They had finally leaped off the cliff.

Together.

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**Reviews make me feel better.**


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